RHONY As Grapes
2023’s RHONY cast members have unique personalities and characteristics (whether we like them or not), that can be likened to some of the top grape varieties of the wine world. From bold and outspoken, to elegant and refined, there’s a grape for every Housewife! Sai De Silva - Grüner Veltliner
Let’s start with my least favorite cast member - Sai. Notorious influencer who always seems to arrive everywhere on an empty stomach, Sai is a sassy, sharp, creative on the surface, but beyond that I’m really not sure what else.
Similarly, the Grüner Veltliner is VERY personality forward - precise, exacting, bone-dry and minerally. It’s legendary for it’s sharp pepper aroma and flavor with subtle hints of apricots and greens. It’s a lot at the surface, and you want more from it, but similar to Sai, you’re left with reminiscent hints of what could be. Moreover, it’s never blended with other grapes and produced in the purest way possible. Doesn’t mix well with others and stands her ground on her own? Doesn’t go well with an empty stomach? Yup.
Ubah Hassan - Syrah
Honestly no idea where to start about Ubah. Surface level, she’s obviously gorgeous. But she has a lot of personality, charisma and is pretty outspoken, not to mention, hilarious. She’s the honest one of the group - tells Jenna when they’re all shit talking her, tells Miss Sai that it was truly fucked the way she ditched Erin’s party, and has no qualms about it.
Syrah is such a fun wine! It’s potent, exuberant and has deep, spicy flavors like leather, smoke, roasted meats, spices, black olive and pepper. Moreover, a great Syrah has a kinetic taste on the tongue, exploding in your mouth upon taste. She’s a stunner and she’s bringing the dramatics.
Erin Dana Lichy - Pinot Gris
I’m sorry, but while she’s the epitome of a New York Housewife, Erin brings nothing unique or exciting to the table. I do like her, she always has snide remarks that show she’s not a pushover and picks dumb, petty fights ( the way she exposed Jenna Lyons’ aversion to flying coach?! It’s giving “the producers told me to say it”).
If we’re being honest, Pinot Gris is relatively insignificant and as neutral of a (white) wine as you get. Dubbed the “white T-shirt” of wines, on a good day, Pinot Gris is pure and fresh and can be very complex with smoky, creamy, or spicy undertones. Very much like Erin, relatively level-headed and unimaginative on the surface, but every so often you get a little fire, a little spice, that reminds you she’s more than just a pretty face.
Brynn Whitfield - Chardonnay
Brynn is quirky, sensitive, intelligent and has a larger-than-life personality. She’s universally liked (most times), and has an agreeable personality.
A chilled glass of Chardonnay is a perfect match for Brynn. Known for it’s versatility and popularity among the masses, Chardonnay has easy to pick out flavors like green apples, tropical fruits and citrus, but what makes this grape particularly fun it's it’s ability to have textures that are creamy and full bodied (they don’t call it the Marilyn Monroe of grape whites for nothing). It can take on a mind of it’s own - crisp and buttery sometimes - just like Brynn can waver between life of the party (😎) to emotional, from sophisticated to rachet.
Jessel Taank - Nebbiolo
I HATED Jessel the first few episodes (if I have to see another clip of her in the green teddy saying she looks like a Christmas tree, I will punch my TV so help me god). However, after seeing her interact with the other housewives, her husband and her children, she’s developed quite the personality (albeit still spoiled TBH). Despite being spoiled and rich (have you seen her husband’s jet setting proclivities?!) and having to “unpack boxes” when she came to NYC, Jessel is shockingly relatable and candid. Wanting to pay an arm and a leg for her toddlers to go to the top Montessori so they can brush elbows with Tom Cruises’ daughter? Making fun of her husband’s street food hobby? Iconic.
Nebbiolo is one of the oldest and most important red varieties in the Piedmont province of Italy. When young - it’s highly structured, tannic, overpowering to the palate. With age, however (really give it at least 25 years), Nebbiolo can be very complex, refined and very much like a supple Pinot Noir. Overall, the light red has aromas and tastes of violets, dried leaves, damp earth, rose petals, and a rich espresso like bitterness.
You know what Barolos and Barbarescos (the two top wines made of Nebbiolo), pair perfectly with? White truffle$$.
Jenna Lyons - Riesling
Queen Jenna Lyons. I don’t care if she’s on the show to primarily promote her businesses. I think you all forget she is quite literally a fucking boss (see JCrew circa 2010s). She is sleek, sophisticated, mature and real. She’s not afraid to tell it how it is (“I don’t want to fly coach”), and admits her faults (not knowing how to have/hang out with groups of girls - SAME, JL, SAME), staying true to herself in the process. At the end of the day, she is complex, multifaceted and contrary to her ice queen demeanor, is very emotional.
A perfect Riesling is acidic, pure and vivid with delicate flavors of peaches, melons and minerality. It’s easy on the palate, with a nice light texture. Considered one of the most noble and distinctive white grapes in the whole world, Rieslings famously only grow well in cooler climates like Germany, Alsace, Austria, Slovenia and upstate New York.
